A Life of Decisions Made by Others
I recently had a really uncomfortable but important realization:
I may have never truly made a decision for myself.
Almost every major turning point in my life — what school I went to, what major I studied, what country I moved to — was decided by my parents.
- After middle school, they thought I wasn’t mentally strong enough for the Chinese education system, so they sent me to an international school;
- After high school, they thought CS had better prospects than natural science, so I gave up a full scholarship to HKU and went to NUS;
- Even during uni, when a guy confessed to me, they disapproved of his “reputation” so strongly that they even threatened to stop my living allowance if I didn’t cut contact with him…
The Cost of Outsourcing My Choices
In hindsight, all of these decisions turned out to be right — at least from their point of view.
So I started trusting them even more. Relying on them even more. I stopped learning how to choose for myself. I got used to outsourcing my decisions.
The Underlying Problem
It wasn’t just about obedience. I think deep down, I was looking for a way to avoid responsibility.
If I let someone else decide for me, then when things go wrong, at least I won’t have to bear the full emotional burden.
But slowly, that mindset chipped away at my sense of autonomy. I became someone who didn’t know what I wanted — or even how to figure it out.
Everyone’s Choosing — Except Me
Now I’m 23. I look around, and many of my peers have already started designing their own lives:
some bought homes, some changed careers, some moved to new countries. Big decisions. Scary decisions. But their decisions.
I’m not sure they had all the answers — but at least they had the courage to choose.
And me? I’ve just been drifting.
When everyone was applying for jobs, I applied too. When people said tech is dying, I panicked too. When someone said life is better back in China, I started reconsidering everything.
Not because I had thought it through — but because I didn’t know how to think for myself.
I kept hoping someone would tell me what the “correct answer” was.
But now, I realize that… no one can decide for me anymore.
And I don’t know how to decide for myself, either.
From Good Student to Lost Adult
In school, I was good at following structure. Exams, grades, rankings — I knew how to win that game.
But life is different. There’s no scoreboard.
Your “KPI” is whatever you define it to be. Your goals aren’t assigned — you have to set them.
And I’ve come to realize: I’m not very good at that.
I thought I was a great planner. But maybe… I’ve never really planned my own life.
Just followed whatever path seemed safest, most praised, least risky.
But now, I’ve hit a wall. I don’t trust myself to choose, because I’ve never practiced choosing.
And I’ve been afraid to take full responsibility for my life.
But if I don’t learn to choose now — then who will?
Growing up
Maybe this is part of growing up.
Not having the answers, but still moving forward.
Not looking for the perfect path, but learning how to walk whichever one I choose.
Tips
See also: Making the Right Decision vs. Making the Decision Right — on moving from fear of mistakes to owning my path.