What’s Going Wrong
Behind all the reflections and confession over the past few months, my struggle reduces to one core mechanism:
I outsource decisions because I don’t trust my own judgment.
This is because I had never build my own decision-making system.
| Symptoms | Interpretation |
|---|---|
| Changing opinion instantly & getting emotionally flooded whenever new info appears | Lack of stable internal anchor |
| Asking many people the same question, hoping for a “right answer” | Perfectionism & fearing of being responsible for the outcome |
| Confusing information gathering with decision delegation | Asking people what to do instead of how they think |
Essentially, every behavior in my story is a manifestation of the same thing:
A lifelong habit of depending on external authority instead of developing inner authority.
And now adulthood — especially the recent struggle during job search — is forcing me to face it.
How I Became Like This
I think this pattern may come from my developmental history and environment.
My big life decisions were made by others
I’ve mentioned explicitly before that most of my big life decisions were shaped by my parents, including but not limited to:
- Studying abroad
- University major
- Even relationships…
If major life choices were always made for me, my mind never practiced the muscle of:
- choosing & weighing trade-offs
- owning risk
- tolerating uncertainty
- making imperfect decisions…
Growing up like this, I become excellent at adapting but poor at initiating.
I grew up rewarded for “being correct,” not for “figuring things out”
My reasoning is very rational and disciplined. But my relationship to being “wrong” is extremely anxious, which leads to:
- perfectionism
- fear of wrong choices
- fear of irreversible consequences
- craving absolute answers
- relying on others to guarantee safety
This is why I always ask others:
“Is this okay? “Do you think I should do this?”…
I’m not seeking insights; Instead, I’m seeking certainty.
The tech/job world amplifies my insecurity
I’m surrounded by:
- high-achieving friends
- colleagues moving quickly
- the myth of “one perfect career path”
This makes me feel like as if “one wrong decision will ruin my life”.
So I over-read, over-think, over-ask, hoping to find the zero-risk option. But the reality is, no such option exists.
I never practiced “living with my own consequences”
Every time I stand at a crossroads:
- A new opinion arrives
- A contradictory suggestion appears
- My internal decision collapses
- I reset and start over
I have never developed the confidence of:
“I can make a decision and deal with what happens next.”
That’s why every choice feels like a risk I cannot hold by myself.
What’s Actually Going on Psychologically
There are three psychological forces fighting inside you:
Your logical mind: “I should gather information, weigh pros and cons, be rational.”
Your emotional core: “I don’t want to be wrong, disappointed, or regretful.”
Your survival instinct: “If I pick the wrong path, I’ll suffer — so someone else should guarantee safety.”
When you ask 10 friends and 10 AIs,
you’re actually doing something very human:Trying to outsource uncertainty.
If someone else says “Take it,”
then even if it goes wrong, it feels less like your fault.This is emotional self-protection.
But over time, it steals your agency.
So… What’s the Way Out?
i.e., how do I become the kind of person who can choose my own path?
See: Building my own Decision-making Framework for a building personalized decision-making framework