Realization: I Don’t Really Make My Own Decisions
These weeks of job searching uncovered something deeper than just “which offer to take.”
I realized that I don’t actually have a stable decision-making mechanism of my own.
I tend to:
- Ask many people for advice
- Over-consume inputs from friends, mentors, and even AIs
- Shift my thinking based on the last authority figure I talked to
- Lose my own sense of direction whenever new information arrives
I used to comfort myself by thinking this is “hearing to both sides of the story” (i.e., 兼听则明), but the truth is:
I wasn’t synthesizing perspectives — I was outsourcing my judgment.
There was no anchor.
Just constant oscillation.
The Career Confusion That Exposed It
Looking back over the past year, the pattern is everywhere.
1. Entering my current role without true deliberation
I picked Ops/Infra because:
- my internship experience happened to fit,
- it felt “less competitive,”
- I believed “just get in first; I can always switch later.”
But the truth is:
I didn’t choose. I slid into it.
And once inside, I used everyone else’s voices to justify staying even as I felt increasingly stuck.
2. Staying far longer than I should have
I hated the fragmented onboarding, the chaos, the cost-management work that drained me.
But instead of acting, I let others pacify me:
“It just takes time, you will get used to it.”
“This role is experience-based; it will get better.”
“You just need to accumulate.”
And I trusted them more than I trusted myself.
Months passed, and nothing changed.
I was stagnant, anxious, and drifting.
My turning point wasn’t from me, but from someone else
When my good friend suddenly got into FAANG — that jolted me awake.
Not because I decided to take control, but because I reacted to someone else’s momentum.
I jumped into interview prep the same way:
not out of inner conviction,
but out of fear of being left behind.
The Offer Stage: Where My Lack of Anchor Became Impossible to Ignore
This is where everything became painfully obvious.
Every opinion shakes me
One friend says: “It’s a great offer; just accept.” I calm down instantly.
Another says: “You should negotiate more.” And suddenly I’m planning escalation strategies, timing, risks…
A colleague says: “This role at Company X is amazing, you should consider continuing.” And instantly my mind flips back into chaos:
- Should I interview more?
- Should I take a risk?
- Should I join core ML infra instead?
I have a new plan every ten minutes — depending on the last person I talked to.
I realized I don’t have opinions.
I only have reactions.
I keep seeking “the right voice to tell me what to do”
Friends, mentors, different AIs…
I keep searching for a verdict I can rely on.
Sometimes I even want someone authoritative to say:
“Yes, this is the correct path. Go.”
Just so I can feel safe.
I’m scared that I am the one who must make the final call
Because if it’s my decision,
then I am also responsible for the outcome.
And responsibility terrifies me.
What’s Actually Behind All This?
I fear making the “wrong choice”
So I delay, outsource, gather opinions endlessly —
hoping someone else can reduce my risk for me.
I don’t trust my own evaluation
I don’t believe my thinking is enough.
I think others always know better.
So I keep replacing my judgment with theirs.
My identity is too easily shaped by external voices
If people tell me SRE is better, I lean that way.
If people say backend is more prestigious, I lean that way.
I do not yet have a stable sense of:
- what energizes me
- what matters to me
- what trade-offs I’m willing to make
See Also
- Debugging my Decision-making System for a systematic approach to debug this flawed & chaotic system